Here's the deal

I can't describe to you how much fun I'm having here. Barefoot soccer every other day at least, awesome slip and slides, mafia, chasing monkeys, climbing trees as homework assignments, Super Bowl Monday soon, and new Africa cd's from a cool guy named Eli I don't really know through Zachariah whom I do. I skyped mommy and daddy last night, and even though they couldn't say anything because the mic wasn't working, I talked for 35 minutes before I had to leave. Today was church, a little homework, and soccer in the beating South Africa sun. Everyone has been sunburned at least a little up to this point, and some people got fried. I wasn't feeling so well yesterday, but soon will have invested in a good supply of sunscreen, aloe, and snacks. Then I will have everything I could ever need.
But that's the problem.....
It's not that I'm not having fun. It's that I'm having fun. Everyone is getting so caught up in the "being in Africa" phase that I feel like I'm just a tourist. I'm here for a summer camp, and only have one more week left! Or that's how I feel. I don't feel homesick yet because it doesn't feel real here yet.
I didn't come here to have fun. And I know we haven't started our service projects yet. We're trying to get the classes out of the way, because, honestly, no one is here for the classes. But this period, this six weeks of a tropical vacation isn't what I need. It's great. But not what I need at all. I'm sure I'm just being picky. I'm being dramatic, because it's everything I imagined and more. But if the rest of the semester were to go like this, I would walk away with some cool realizations and some cool stories, but I wouldn't be transformed. I'm ready to be transformed, and I'm ready to take the steps to be transformed, but I can't help but feel like there's nothing here any deeper than sports, nature walks, and delicious food in unlimited quantities.
And I'm sure there is so much more here. Even as I type this, I realize how ridiculous it is to think nothing will happen on a deeper level here. But I'm tired of waiting for it. I've been waiting to get started here ever since I left 2 and a half years ago. I don't want to wait 5 more weeks, no matter how great they may be.

With that being said, my beard is coming in much thicker than I expected. 12 days!

Stealing pictures

Some good ones at http://abeardnamednelson.blogspot.com/2011/01/pictures.html
look at them.
The internet hasn't been incredibly accessible lately, as it has been down in the chalet and I haven't had much time, but things are going great over here!
I wrote this last night or the night before.

Lately, I have been very busy. The shortest day I have had of classes has been 3 hours, with the longest at 8. Homework has been more than I was expecting, but not too bad. I’m just exhausted right now. Friday night, at 1030, I can’t believe I’m still awake.

I’ve played 3 games of soccer since Monday, all of them incredibly fun. Today, I spent a good hour on a 100 foot long slipnslide on a downhill. Now that it’s the weekend, I can get ahead on my homework (yeah right) and be ready for this next week. Tomorrow we’re going to a birds of prey thing, where we get to watch cool and vicious birds. I am so exhausted. I wish I could include more, but you’ll just have to believe me that this is all fun and great and God is cool and we’ll see what happens up here. I think there’s something pretty cool in store for us.

Just remembered: I’m a chapel programs leader! Not that it’s a big deal or done on anything more than volunteers, but I’m really excited to be in a position like this, where I can plan and be a resource for all the people on this trip. I also plan on speaking at one of the chapels, so I’m just really excited. And I feel like the chapel team is great, and cool stuff could happen, and we have a great opportunity, and God definitely is present here and ready to work whenever we are ready. So here goes!

Game Reserve

I realize the past couple of days have been strictly regurgitation, and I apologize. I haven't had any profound insights recently, or at least time to think them through and type them out. My thoughts are racing, and any free time I have is occupied by doing hardcore things. So soon, I will have something more than just a recap of what I've done. For now, you'll have to deal with it.
But speaking of cool things, have I got a cool story for you!
This morning, at 6, 8 of the 11 guys on the trip woke up and went for a manly run in the game reserve. We saw an impala run across the road, and as we kept running, we ended up walking 10 feet away from 4 zebra, and ran past another pair about 20 feet away. The zebra followed us up the hill, and ended up walking right past us. I decided this would be the opportune time to race them, so I ran on the road about 10 yards away, and they ran right next to me. At one point, they moved from the left of the road to the right, and I was moderately frightened because I thought they were coming for me. But the zebra is a gentle creature, and when I beat it in the race, it retreated into the depths of the forest in shame. This run was awesome and manly and nature-filled. What else do you need?
We went to church, but that will be recapped another time.
After lunch, we played a 3 on 3 soccer game barefoot in the sloped field right outside the dining hall. It was intense and great, and all the black Africans were standing outside their rooms, watching and laughing at us. It seems that we're not as good as we'd like to believe. But awesome things like this just keep happening, and I am so excited and encouraged for the rest of the semester. More updates to come, but I'm off to dinner!

Really though.

I did absolutely no justice to how beautiful this place is. It's pretty. Gorgeous. Incredible.

Pietermaritzburg

Everything is beautiful and I am happy. From waking up in the morning to a beautiful breakfast, to being upgraded to a first-class seat on my flight, to being greeted by Zulu tribe members dancing upon our entrance to the jungle paradise, to chalets that are the perfect size and quality for this location, to piggy-back rides for little Monet, to exploring the jungle for monkeys and other animals, today has been an incredible, breathtaking day. I can't describe to you how beautiful this place is. There will be pictures soon enough, seeing as my new roommate (Tyler Small) has a nice camera and I seem to be in every picture he takes. I would love to direct you all to the albums whenever they are uploaded online, and will post some of the best on here when I get a hold of them.
But know this. This semester is going to be incredible. There is no other way to describe it. I haven't even started about how great the people are. Let me tell you, they're great.

Jet Lag is a horrible thing. Today, Day Two, I really felt it. This morning, most people were awake at 5:30 or 6, just because of the early bed time and the uncompassionate time zone. We went on a tour of Soweto, which stands for Southern Western Township. It’s a township that began because the Blacks couldn’t stay in the city of Johannesburg overnight, but worked in the day, but now it’s larger than Johannesburg. It was great to see the tour from the point of view of the guide, who was born and raised in Soweto, and I didn’t feel as much pity for the people. Just because they’re living in a situation that’s not as wealthy as mine, doesn’t mean that they can’t be as happy as (or probably even happier than) me. It’s amazing how economic status has been pounded into my head since birth as a direct factor of happiness, and after one day in a township, my world is turned on its head. This is probably the biggest thing I missed out on my last trip down here. I felt guilty upon returning because I had more than these people, but they don’t have any real reason to be jealous. Not saying I don’t believe in charity, but it’s already making me question the entire basis for not just America, but Capitalism as a whole.

Lunch was in a restaurant owned by the tour guide and it was really good! A mix of lamb, beef, chicken, and fish were complimented by rice, beans, and plenty of other things. Not American, so it was new, but it was delicious and not too foreign. After lunch was the Apartheid Museum, which was incredible. I had no idea how incredibly highly the South Africans thought of Nelson Mandela, but they practically worship him. And he is probably the most amazing person whose story I have ever heard. Look it up sometime, it’s good. Almost as good as Jesus.

The trip home was marked by me nodding off to sleep at least 25 times in the 30 minute drive, but waking up instantly with nowhere to lay my head. I fell asleep upon my return to the hotel at 5, and slept for 2 ½ hours. I thought I was the only one, but within 45 minutes of getting to the lobby, I found out Zach and Logan also overslept and we grabbed dinner together. The next 2 hours was essentially talking in the lobby among probably 10 of us, followed by push-ups and a shower. Now it’s 12:30, and I am not tired and have nothing to do. Tyler (roommate for now) has been asleep for like 7 hours, so he’ll be up for the day soon. I have no idea how he’s going to react tomorrow morning, but I’m sure he won’t be the only one who has difficulty.

On the bus I met Boba Phillip, who is one of our drivers at the AE (African Enterprise) in Pietermaritzburg. We talked about a bunch of stuff, including soccer (I now know the sign for the Orlando Pirates AND the Kaiser City Chiefs, and had a fun interaction with a construction worker when I gave him the Pirates sign). I was told by Taylor I needed to meet him, so I got on it early, and asked him if he remembered Taylor. Not only did he tell me his son, Musa, still talks about Taylor, but he told me Taylor played guitar at Phillip’s engagement to his wife, whom he just married in December. I thought I knew Taylor, but he continues to blow me away with ridiculous stories like this. Who would’ve thought?

Overall, a great day. I’m encouraged because I know I can actually make an impact on some people that they’ll remember for more than just a month or two, and because I know I can connect with a bunch of the people on this trip. I’m not tired and will be exhausted tomorrow, but we’ll arrive at the AE and finally, a sense of normalcy and permanency will be restored to my life after over 2 weeks of sleeping on the floor in a friend’s place and plane rides and hotel rooms. I can finally get started on what I’ve been looking forward to since I last went to South Africa. 

Day 1 (ish)

Tonight is the first night in Africa. It’s been over two years since I’ve been here, and it’s really weird being back. I see things I remember, like the terminal in DC, the bug spray in Senegal, and the customs area in Johannesburg. It’s weird how familiar it all is.

We left at 3:30 in the morning Pacific Time, and landed at 5:30 at night South Africa time, the next day. We are 38 hours into the future from when we left, but were traveling for 28 hours. I left on two hours of sleep, and got probably two hours on the plane. But I am running on adrenaline right now! So excited to be here finally. It’s noon in Cali right now, but seeing as I’ve gotten 4 hours of sleep in the last 50 hours, I’m ready to go to bed. I’m not sure how jet lag will affect me, but I’m exhausted and pretty good at sleeping, so I’m not too worried about it.

Now that we’re gone, we’ve started to get to know people, and I am really excited about the relationships I’ll be forming this semester. I know a lot of people here at least a little bit, which will mean that I don’t have to go through that awkward “I should know you but I don’t and I don’t want to acknowledge that I don’t know you because I should but I won’t get to know you if I don’t acknowledge I don’t know you” stage. I also got to meet Reg, who’s basically in charge of everything here, and talked to him with Mitch for like 15 to 20 minutes about life. It was definitely good to get the first interaction out of the way and really meet him. And I also met Reegan, who Taylor told me I need to get to know because he’s great. I’m so excited to eventually be able to interact regularly with all these guys, and these people on the trip, and that’s the thing I’m most excited about right now.

Sorry for the ADD writing. Something about lack of sleep.

Expectations

I've been trying as hard as possible to not put any expectations on this journey. And I feel like I've been doing a great job. It's easy to not expect anything when you don't know what to expect. More than anything, though, I think I've been deceiving myself into thinking I had no expectations. It hasn't been anything more than a lie.
I'm expecting something great to happen over there. I'm expecting some magical change to take place, so that I can go there, come back, and be a totally different person. And I've been expecting it so much, that I feel like going through the motions is enough to see this change happen. Simply going over there will change me, regardless of what happens.
I need to get out of this frame of mind. I can expect change, and I don't have a problem with it, but when I lull myself into a state of expectancy of this change, and feel like I won't have to work for it at all, that's when I run into a problem. I need to prepare myself to make a change in my life while I'm in South Africa. That's the only way I will see any lasting change upon my return.

It's real again.

24 hours from right now I will be training. Training and Orientation will be pretty much all day tomorrow, and then tomorrow night will be the final preparation. The next morning at 4 I will be gone. Gone from APU. by 8 I will be gone from LAX. By 5:30 EST I'll be gone from the States. and by 5:30 in South Africa on Thursday, I'll be in the country I will spend over 3 months in.
Now that I'm almost here, I can feel it. I feel the pressure, the urgency, the magnitude of what is about to happen.
I'm not ready for it. But I am so damn relieved it's finally coming.

Charity and Poverty

"Nevertheless, among churchmen, beyond their rites and ceremonies, luxury is a crime. It seems to disclose habits which are not truly charitable. A wealthy priest is a contradiction. He ought to keep himself near the poor. But, who can be in contact continually, by night as well as day, with all distresses, all misfortunes, all privations, without taking upon himself a little of that holy poverty, like the dust of a journey? Can you imagine a man near a fire who does not feel warm? Can you imagine a labourer working constantly at a furnace, who has not a hair burned, nor a nail blackened, nor a drop of sweat, nor a speck of ashes on his face? The first proof of charity in a priest, and especially a bishop, is poverty. "

- Victor Hugo (Les Miserables)

Who can be in contact continually with all distresses, without taking a little of that holy poverty? I was reading this tonight when I felt pretty damn convicted. If the proof of charity is poverty, and a man can't be near a fire without being warm, then what the hell am I doing here at Azusa? What am I doing living in a suburban home in Phoenix with my own car, and never needing anything?
I'm not feeling the urge to go out and sell all my things. I wish I was feeling that sort of motivation right now, but I'm not. I just don't understand how I can presume to care about these people who have nothing, while I live immersed in comfort.
I look forward to South Africa because I can get out. All my possessions will be 45 lbs. plus a personal item that will be books and a laptop. I only have 8 shirts. Hopefully I will be so affected by this experience I will be released from some of these materialistic desires I find myself so tightly bound to. And maybe, if I'm lucky, some of these things I learn will actually stick with me for more than a couple of weeks after I get back.

Last summer, when I spent a week in a cheap imitation of homelessness on the streets of San Diego, I felt the effects for a month after. I was warmed by the fires of poverty, with my hairs burnt, my nails blackened, sweating and ash-covered. And my hibernation in North Phoenix helped me "recover" from this affliction. The affliction of wanting to help people who need help. But this time, I need to be aware. I want to return and feel moved enough to be inconvenienced by these people.
I want to get rid of this materialism, but it's genetic. It's more than genetic, it's cultural. It's a scourge that plagues Western civilization. It corrupts all of mankind. So how do I free myself from it?
I don't have an answer for you. How do you live in poverty? Live in poverty. Desire will come, and appreciation will come, but the step has to be taken first. So here I go. Living in poverty to live in charity. Living without the things I have come to rely on, so I can live without these things I have come to rely on. And maybe, when I get back, I'll be willing to take some major steps to cut these ropes that moor me to the dock of consumeristic culture that affects me along with everyone else in America. I need to get away from this place for a while.

Brotherhood

Since I've been back at APU, I've experienced brotherhood in a way I haven't ever before. As one of the guys I'm spending time with has recently blogged,

Now that we’re 20ish years old, sleepovers are more out of necessity. Last night, Brad, Mackenzie, Mitch, and I slept in our friends living room because we don’t have a place to stay. But there were still just as many silence ending farts and giggles as when we were 10 years old.

 I've felt really close to these guys, just doing manly things with them all the time, and hanging out. I feel like this will be one of the things I will miss most about being in South Africa.

Now I will qualify the shit out of that statement.

I will miss being with these guys and sleeping on the floor in the living room with the two other guys going to South Africa with me, waking up to people going to classes at 8 in the morning, watching Lord of the Rings, and playing basketball. I will miss the friendships I've been building here, and the people I've been spending time with.
I will miss sleeping on the couch in my friend's apartment, and waking up to the smell of eggs, which have been prepared as a pre-church meal. I will miss making omelets for everyone before they wake up, and walking to Alberto's for a nice meal of California burritos with someone ordering 2 bean and cheese burritos, and someone ordering one California burrito and a plate of cheese enchiladas.
I will miss the familiarity of Azusa, but I will miss the people and the relationships even more. And now, as I get a taste of just the friendships for 10 days, no classes and no pressing issues, I realize how much I will miss these people.

With that being said, I can't possibly state with any sort of completion how excited I am for the new brotherhood I will experience in South Africa. A brotherhood unlike any other I have ever glimpsed. Friendships formed through poverty and neediness, through awesome experiences (bungee jumping and shark cage diving) and awesome experiences (helping AIDS orphans and feeding the hungry). Friendships where I share a level of understanding with these people that I can't explain to anyone else. Friendships that grow from living for 3 and a half months with just these 10 other guys to relate to. Not friendships to replace my old ones, not by a long shot. But new friendships. And friendships with people I'm already close to, like Logan (one of the first I met at APU and a pretty damn close friend since), Mitch (Sleeping on the floor next to him nightly), and Tyler (11 hour car ride anybody?), that are strengthened beyond anything we had before.
My relationships will be changed by these next 3 and a half months. And I can't wait to see how they pan out.

Slowly Approaching

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that he didn't trust me so much."
 - Mother Teresa

I feel like I've been here at school forever. I love it, but it's becoming dull. I'm so glad I came when I did and have the time here that I have had, but I'm ready to move on. I'm feeling stagnant again, and feel like my life has once again turned into a giant waiting game.
I've been really thinking about finally getting out of here lately, because I don't have much else to do. Making lists of things I need to do, thinking about doing them, preparing to do them, and everything else you can possibly do to delay actually doing things. My lack of productivity lately has been a result of having so much time to do them, and never actually getting started. But I have spent a lot of time thinking lately.
The thing at the forefront of my mind? The pressure of South Africa.
This quote really summed up what I've been thinking lately. There is so much that needs to be done over there, and I feel like God is calling me to make an impact this semester. The problem I run into is, I either don't think I can handle it, or I don't really want to. And I mean I want to, but I don't really desire it, deep enough in my heart to maintain any action I start when I get there. And I'm scared of this.
I don't doubt God. Not about this, at least. If God asks me to do something, I can do it. What God originates, He orchestrates. If I really believe that God is all-powerful, in control, and has a plan for me, then I have to believe God will lay the foundation for what he has called me to do. This much is logic.
So I believe God is faithful. The problem I'm running into is my motivation. I haven't been feeling too motivated in my relationship with God lately. I hope I'll get a jump start while I arrive in South Africa and never look back, but I'm not sure about it. I'm scared I won't be motivated when I get to this place I've been looking forward to and waiting on for years.
I'm scared this experience will be wasted.

Confession:

The only reason I'm blogging right now is because I have so much time to be blogging right now. I've been on campus at APU with nothing but an application to do since Saturday afternoon, giving me 5 days of free time, with 5 more left. It's been great, with the slumber parties every night, staying in different places each night, talking about everything from bodily functions to girls to adventures in Africa to cinematography. And I'm ready to leave and go to Africa and finally depart on this journey. But there's still 5 days left.
The only reason I'm blogging this much now is because I know I won't have this much time next semester.

I'm tired of waiting

I've been waiting for years now. A year and a half to be exact. After I got to APU, I needed a break.
I was burnt out on ministry, and felt like I couldn't really do anything. Especially with me planning on going into a leadership role in Youth Ministry, I couldn't handle the idea of leading people at the time, and had been advised to take a break for the year. Freshman year I avoided ministry opportunities, and didn't get involved at a church. Summer, I led a Vacation Bible School Recreation class, but that's the extent of my leadership over the past year and a half.
First half of Sophomore year, I didn't really to anything. I had a church I wanted to get involved in, but I didn't feel comfortable. I knew I was going to South Africa, and I knew I wouldn't be around for long enough to begin to invest in people who would be relying on me. So I just waited. I was going to South Africa, so I couldn't get involved in anything. And now that I'm going to actually do something, I'm nervous. I'm ready to finally do something, but I'm nervous. And I'm wondering if it will live up to the expectations I've created for it over the last 2 years.

Back at Azusa

I left Arizona a day and a half ago, and have been in Azusa for the last 30+ hours. It's weird how things here picked up like they never really stopped. I've been hanging out with the same people, and I feel comfortable here, like we never missed a stride in our friendship. It's like the three weeks never really happened.
I don't know if that will happen in South Africa. It will be more difficult to stay in touch with them, I'm sure. It will be a lot longer of a time, and a lot more will happen. I will have changed so much more during the next 4 months than probably any period in my life. But I hope I can stay close enough with these people that we can pick it back up when we hang out again.
I've never been great about keeping in touch with people, but I've been getting a lot better.  I'm going to be making a much better effort with that this semester.
I'm excited for my time in South Africa, but I hope I don't sacrifice any of my friendships here in the US while I'm over there.

Individualism

I'm so sick of this bullshit. I have had it. In church this morning, one of the songs we sang was "Mighty to Save," and I finally realized how completely ridiculous it is that we sing "MY God is mighty to save" in a setting of corporate worship. Seriously, if everyone makes the effort to get together to sing this song, then why do we sing about "my" God and not "our" God?
I felt like I was in my own worship surrounded by people, and that was frustrating to me.
I find individualism in itself frustrating. I'm tired of living in a nation where people are to consumed by their own "needs" that they refuse to make any effort to help others. I'm tired of living in a place where people put themselves first, and everything else comes after that. I'm tired of living in a place where people think what they need is ultimately not important in the least.
I'm ready to go to South Africa where I can hopefully get away from all of this consumerist individualism. I'm ready to go to South Africa where I can see how extensive it is in my life.

I've known about this for at least 2 years.

Why am I not ready for it?
Today, as I was preparing Lasagna for dinner for my family, I couldn't help but think about the fact that I'm leaving so soon. On Saturday morning I'm returning to California, so I only have two more days in AZ. Then, I have 10 days in California before I leave for South Africa.
I'm not ready for this at all. I prepared last semester a little. I've been to South Africa before for a week. I've prepared while I've been at Azusa. But this break, these past three weeks, has just been a slump for me. And now, I have two more days in Arizona before I won't see any of these people for 4 months.
Don't get me wrong. I'm so excited. And I could post fun videos like everyone else who's doing a blog (It was my idea first. Trust me.). And I can't wait to spend time with the awesome people that are going, and I could talk about it, and tell you how many awesome things I'm going to be doing, and show you pictures from friends going and all that jazz.
Despite that excitement, I'm nervous as hell. I started my packing today, and said goodbye to some of my friends, and realize that, when I wake up this morning, I will have 48 hours left with the people I love here before I leave. I want to go to South Africa so badly, and I'm so excited. But I don't really want to go now. I would love to go in a month, because I don't feel ready. But I don't think I'll be ready.
This culture shock that's coming? That's inevitable. That's needed. That's what will make the impact on me. But it scares the hell out of me. I'm bouncing between anxiety and excitement, and right now, with everyone in my house asleep and me feeling along, the anxiety is winning. I don't know how to fix this either.