So I've been thinking about why I went to South Africa.

One of the things I didn't do it for was for the publicity. I've done that before. Some of the motivation for me going to Africa before my senior year of high school was being the kid who's been to Africa. Been there, done that, check it off the list. When I get back, have people ask me how it was, give a vague, deep, emotion-filled answer, and instant respect from anyone who doesn't want to dig deeper.
Turns out that wasn't what it was. It was actually hard, it was actually difficult, and it was actually moving. I couldn't just say I went, say it was hard, and get back be unaffected. That just wasn't possible when taking into account the trip. I thought I would be able to get back, have instant respect, and that's all she wrote. So I've went through that. It was stupid, naive, immature, and any of the other things you can think about it. But the important thing was, when I actually got back, I couldn't just move on. Because it had really touched me deeply, and affected me more than I could have expected.
And now, the irritating thing that keeps coming to mind. Preventing me from legitimately writing a blog. Preventing me from trudging (to trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on) through this stuff that's all pent up in my head. I need to break the surface to reach any depth, and the break the surface I need to remove the junk in the way.

I also must clarify this is not directed at anyone from the South Africa semester I was on. While it may apply to some people, I have no idea, because there has been time for this to reveal itself. Someone could have went with the wrong motive, but still experienced something beyond their comprehension. So now that no fingers are being pointed, I will proceed.

I'm tired of the Christians who have this view of Africa as a tourist location. Because it's not. A tourist location is the farthest possible thing from Africa (Despite the fact that we stayed in a resort-worthy location in Pietermaritzburg, a beautiful beachfront hotel in Durban, and Cape Town is all around amazing). What we did when I went wasn't tourism. What Christians do when they go on mission trips isn't tourism. So first of all, I hate this view of mission trips. It's something that really only affects those who have never been on one, and definitely doesn't affect everyone who hasn't been on one. But there's these Christians with idyllic views of mission trips, who want to hear all about it when someone gets back. Like it's a story to tell. Like one can get back from a 4 months in South Africa, and sit down the next day and launch into a perfect, novel-worthy narrative of what happened. Over lunch. While not falling behind on eating. And including all the details. And keeping it to an hour because they have things to do. This isn't possible.
People ask how it was. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Great? It was good? I enjoyed it? That's not enough for people. But even when someone presses, and I talk for more than a minute, I can see the boredom in their eyes. (Tip: If you care, ask about it. If you don't care, then offer a question such as "Did you love it?" and move on. Don't pretend to care only to leave me hanging in the same, minute long conversation) But these people who think that I've been gone on a vacation couldn't be more wrong. And I'm grateful to all of the wonderful people at home who have seen and understood this, regardless of whether or not they've been to Africa. My family and my friends have been so supportive in this, which has helped me, but that doesn't save me from the idiots who dangle their caring in front of me only to yank it away when I actually start to put emotion into the conversation.
Sorry, unexpected tangent. But this view of mission trips as vacations perpetuates another thing that really pisses me off about some people. The people who come back from a mission trip with only a picture of them holding a small African child. No change. No emotion. When asked about what it was like, they respond with an air-headed "It was so beautiful! There was so much poverty and I met this beautiful child named (insert generic African name here) and look at this picture!" And then they post that picture on their facebook, to show off to everyone they've been to Africa. And then they leave it up for years and say they're "never moving on" when in actuality that's the only connection they have with that location anymore. They don't think about it, even when they look at their pictures. They don't think about it, even when they see people from that mission team. They don't think about it, even when they're thinking about poverty. The people who completely miss the point of the mission trip. The "I went over there and helped out and now it's done" short-term mission mentality. It's irritating to me that someone could return with just stories and pictures. It's remarkable that there are people who have been on mission trips that now have just as much connection with that place as I do: none.
I think the reason this is so frustrating to me is the fact that I'm a slightly cynical person. The only impacts I see from a short-term (read: 1 week) mission trip are for the missionaries. The people who travel so far to destroy their viewpoints, blow their expectations out of the water, and question their beliefs. And despite the expenses of long-range, short-term missions, I'm still a believer that they are worth the cost. The thing is, if I believe the only consequences of short-term missions are in the missionary, and the missionary is unaffected by the trip, I feel like the cost of that trip was wasted. And it hurts me to see wasted money, especially when that wasted money is up to 3 or 4 thousand dollars for a week. And especially when that money could go to help the very people that one is missioning to, and have more of an effect on those people than the mission would. It just seems like a waste of money. And the other reason is I find close-minded people incredibly obnoxious. I'm all about being firm in your beliefs, but close-mindedness leads to ignorance. ("Close minded people are part of what's wrong with the world" - Johnny Cash) And you don't get much more close minded than ignoring a mission experience. Refusing to change like that.

This view (not only in Christians, but that should never ever be in Christians) that a mission trip is a vacation is killing me. I'm so tired of dealing with people like this. Or when someone chats you to ask "how was Africa?" Like, really? What do you even want me to say?
I guess I just hate dealing with people who don't know. And these people, they have no idea. They have no idea what I went through, what I saw, and what I felt. Some even may have read my blog, but still don't know a thing about what I experienced. And when they come up and try to be relatable? Just stop that. There's no need for that. You and I both know that you can't relate to my experience from your comfortable, Scottsdale life, so don't even pretend. Or we can both tell that, because the farthest from home you've ever been is ASU, that despite the fact that you either nod or say "mmhmm" after every sentence, you don't understand. And that's the frustrating part for me.
Not that I want to be understood, but I hate not being understood. I'm not longing to talk to someone who understands, or listens, or anything like that, because I have people who have done an incredible job with that. I just don't want someone to ask who won't understand, because that' the most frustrating thing of all.

Where do I go from here?

Ah, the difficulty of being back. Three weeks later, after gorging myself and indulging in the excesses of American life for all this time, what do I do? I’m finally willing to wade through the murky waters of South Africa, and what happened while I was at service sites. Ready to step through what I saw, what I felt, and connect those (in a logical, step-by-step fashion) to what I should be doing here.

The first thing is, it hasn’t been three weeks. It’s been over 8 weeks now. Service sites ended while we were in Pietermaritzburg, and then we went on a safari, traveled for a week, lived with a (wonderful) homestay family in Cape Town, lived at a university in Cape Town, lived in a hotel in Cape Town, and flew back. So this stuff is sort of far from my mind. But last night, as I started talking to Brett a little about it, I realized something. I really really want to think about it. I want to go back and remember, and as I started to remember I almost went off on a tangent that could have lasted a couple hours. Fortunately, I saved Brett from that horrible fate. But now I want to think about it.

And the other thing is, What do I want from this? I remember the first day of orientation, when I was seeing that so many of my friends were going to South Africa, and I was really excited. Youthful, inexperienced excitement, immersed in naivety of what this experience was going to be. Immersed in a naivety of who I was going to interact with. Really, having a perfect, idealized concept of what it would be to be in South Africa, and pretending to not have expectations. And what did I say I wanted to have happen? To experience God’s love and get to know him better, and to have an expanded worldview. Most of my focus was on having an expanded worldview.

Now listen, there is nothing wrong with an expanded worldview. I think it’s nice, and I think everyone should go for that. Everyone should travel outside of the country, to multiple different places, for extended periods of time, to see that life isn’t confined to simply the way you live it. There are ways to live life that you have never dreamed of, and these can begin to be realized by seeing other people live their lives. I am a strong proponent of having an expanded worldview. The thing is, if I walk away from this semester in South Africa with just an expanded worldview, then I’m completely missing the point. That’s like visiting the grand canyon, seeing all the majesty and beauty of it, and walking away thinking “what a cool color red!” Don’t get me wrong, the red may have been very cool. But you could even say the fact that the rocks were that color red was better. Or maybe that there’s a big ass hole in the ground that’s that color red. If I were to walk away from South Africa with just an expanded worldview, I’m only touching on portions of what I could realize from this experience.

So now, after a long, philosophical shower, I know this. I know that I don’t just want to walk away from South Africa knowing that they live differently. I don’t want to walk away just being able to say I bungy jumped from the highest damn bungy point in the world. I don’t want to be able to say that I worked in a township completely devoid of any emotion (But I don’t want to fake the emotion at all. Pet peeve.) I don’t just want to tell people I lived in a Coloured township, so they think I’m all cultured and open-minded. I didn’t do anything just for the sake of doing it (That’s a lie. Bungy jumping, wine-tasting, body paint at a rugby game. All to say I did it. I obviously mean apart from the touristy stuff.). I did things for the insight they would give me, for the change that would occur in me.

Now that I see that walking away with what I originally expected won’t be enough. That would be a disappointment. But what do I walk away with? I’m ready to read through my blog and relive these experiences, but I like to have some idea of what I’m getting myself into. The thing is, I have no idea. I know I’m getting change, and I’ve just been dormant and surviving the past 3 weeks in America. I don’t know what though. I don’t know how these experiences will shape me. I guess it’s the type of thing that I’ll find out more soon enough.

I guess it’s the type of thing that when I look back at the beginning of this process, I’ll see myself as a wide-eyed, inexperienced, youthful guy, full of excitement and naivety. I guess it’s just an endless cycle.

It's another tough day today

Or not necessarily tough. I just can't stop thinking about South Africa. Thoughts dwelling on friends who are over there, whether people from my semester, friends who went over before, or some of the South Africans I met over there. Today's probably the healthiest longing I've had for South Africa; I just miss it. I miss the people that I met over there, and I'm thinking about them.
I've been unpacking today. Going through some of my stuff. I finished two books in the past 3 days that were recommended to me by Logan in Africa, and books I talked about regularly in Africa. I had my birthday yesterday, which meant plenty of facebook notifications. Most of the notifications I welcomed the most were from people from the South African Semester or people I met over there. I went to a dinner almost a week ago focused on South Africa, and have had certain people really wanting to hear about it. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Today began with finishing a book, putting me in my normal, post-book mood of heightened emotions. And I've been thinking about Rugby all morning (I'm even wearing my Springboks shirt) and am now watching Aussie Rules football (The accents are reminiscent of South Africa) and have been watching soccer too. Today will be a day thinking about South Africa. And I'm okay with that.

Re-integration

It's getting easier. It's still weird living so far away from everyone I've become close with, but it's been so good to see my friends that I hadn't seen in forever. I'm still just resting and haven't started doing anything too crazy, as I recover from the semester. But I've been doing a lot better. I'm still really looking forward to next semester. I can't wait to be back with the South Africans, and as an RA and with other people from APU I love? Awesome.
It's still weird to have a phone. It's weird to watch tv, or to stay up late, or to skip a meal. It's weird to drive wherever I want whenever I want, to sleep in, and to have good internet. It's weird to be able to feel my chin without a layer of hair over it. It's weird to try to stay in contact with people over the internet. It's weird to not hear people with South African accents. It's weird to not be surrounded by people. It's weird to have air conditioning. It's really different here.

A couple pictures from the trip. As I relive it 1 week later and 10,000 miles away

young clean faces, on the way to AE for the first time ever!

This kid in the back was playing with that tire in a puddle in Soweto.
First glimpse of South African children in poverty for many of us

The first classroom we went into. People were in love. Look at Leslie's face!

The Apple Bite (or something like that). Our first South Africa dinner,
of knock-off American food

Walking out of the airport!

I envy Colton's sleeping ability, especially on travel days. 30 hours is too long.

The wonderful Chalet 7! Home to some great people and me for 11 weeks

One of the waterfalls in our backyard

A beautiful view from a morning run in the Game Reserve

The dining hall, with the soccer field in the foreground

Gandhi statue. He's a cool guy

Soccer games

First Bio field trip. Awesome.

The first visit to the Indian Ocean ever! Umzinto

Goofy, yet graceful. Awkward, yet sophisticated.

Get Well Soon card. From the Biology class, to Destiny

World Cup Final was held here. Soweto.

The guys chalets (2 on the left)

Luthando. Spoiled brat. No love for that child.

Had to put a picture on here of me with the ball. Gotta love that soccer.

View from the back of the plane

First Bio field trip again

Train stop where Gandhi was removed from the train for his skin color.

The spectators. Cheering for me, obviously

The people on the right? That was our lunch site.

Home of Ethembeni, one of the service sites.

Soccer, but in the morning. Warm day.

Tour of a prison (I really only included this one because I'm in it)

Haniville, with garden tools, protecting the women from the invisible zombies. Of course.

The guys: Tyler, Mitch, Riley, Zach, Derek, Logan, John
Matt, Me, Rowan (SJ's boyfriend), Colton

Walk uphill from the house to Walk in the Light.
Of course, no shirts for PJ or Matt

Pietermaritzburg in the background

One of the nicer houses of Haniville

Walk to the house in Haniville

Crossing the street after 20 minutes of walking to get back to Walk in the Light.
And PJ, ruining an epic picture by putting his shirt on awkwardly.

Logan: "Does this look natural?"

Smileys.

Youth in Haniville at Walk in the Light

Isandlwana. The greatest defeat of the British military in their history in 1879. 

A trash pile. These were everywhere, and often smoldering.
They were legitimately everywhere. We made 2 in the yard of the house we were helping.

Mongolisa (Little Derek Fisher) and Logan.
Love that kid. He's the one who yelled out "Bye Mackenzie!" when we were leaving the last day.  While waving with both hands, the way South Africans do. Pulling on my little heart strings, Derek Fisher!

Logan giving Spay his just desserts.

Every day, we had mints. Every single day in our classrooms. The Mint Imperials were the best.
I'm still saving some.

The house, before we filled the mesh fencing with cinder blocks, and covered it with mud.

Mitch is curling his beard in the mirror of the bus. How could I not finish off with this picture?

So that's just a couple pictures. I'm going through everyone's albums, and picking out the best ones.
These pictures are all courtesy of Riley Sump, the one and only. They are beautiful, and I am grateful for them. Hope you all enjoyed!