How am I feeling about the re-entry process?
It’s weird. I’ve really enjoyed the whole “living in South Africa” thing, but it’s not what I expected. I expected to walk away with some “oh shit” experience, where something happened and I was given a profound understanding of myself, or of others, or of my purpose in life. I expected to receive this new understanding of people, or come out with a perfect depiction of what I want in a girl. I wanted some sort of Theological breakthrough, or completely new understanding of God. I wanted something incredible to happen, that I could tell a story about for the rest of my life as a “turning point” in my life. But I can’t look back at any experience that I feel like changed my life. I have so many damn experiences that I can look back on and think about how fun they were. So many times stories I can tell to make people jealous. So many things I did in Africa that I had never done before. But none of them feel like they’re life-changing.
But as I’m typing this out, disappointed with what happened this semester, I realize I got pretty much all of those things. As I was listing off those things, I was listing off the experiences that applied to each and every one of those things. I can’t think of any specific experience that totally altered my viewpoint, no profound revelations, but I definitely changed a lot. Let’s recap.
- Understanding of myself – This isn’t a profound type of thing. I don’t think there’s one experience you can have that will teach you about you. It’s a long, drawn out, gradual process. And as I’ve been put in different situations, in different positions, with people I like or don’t like, with experiences I’m used to or that are new, I reached a new understanding of myself. And I while I feel like I would have had a new understanding regardless of where I am, I think the experiences in South Africa are magnified to have more of an impact on my character.
- Understanding of Others – Not necessarily a profound impact experience thing either, because I can’t really understand everyone in one experience. I have had various discussions with various people, which have led me to a greater understanding of them. One of them, Carmen, a girl I didn’t even know when I came on the trip, has been a goldmine for great conversation, and by understanding her thinking better, I think I understand other people’s and my own better as well. There are also a couple people very very close to me, who I am understanding more and more. The more I understand them, the more our relationships will grow, which is something I value quite a bit.
- Purpose in life – Youth Ministry is something that I’ve had as a purpose in my life for quite some time. The thing is, I haven’t felt like there’s been a major calling for me to Youth Ministry at any one point in my life, I just never have been led in a different direction since I decided on it in 7th Grade. I believe that’s where I need to be, there are just sometimes where I find myself questioning it. I spoke in chapel this week, and apparently everyone has been talking behind my back, saying they’re excited for me to be a youth pastor. That’s the highest praise I feel like I can receive, because these people will be proud when I’m a youth pastor. They really see me doing a great job at it. That’s encouraging.
- Understanding of people – Got that one. Not a profound thing, but I can read people in a way I never could before. I would never trust my instinct on how others were feeling, because I have really always been wrong. Ryan is someone I respect so much for that, because he has an incredible instinct as to when something is wrong with someone, or when he should dig deeper in conversation. This is something that I feel like I’ve been starting to acquire just from talking with people and hearing how people are feeling, and it’s something I feel like is necessary for a youth pastor. It’s something I just want in my life. So I’m glad that I’ve been making strides in this field of study.
- Perfect depiction of a girl – Not exactly. But I just keep on adding qualities to my list that I find attractive, or to my unattractive list. I am by no means ready for a relationship now, even though this is the time I decided I could date again last year. I’m not sure when I’ll be ready for a relationship. The difference is, I feel like I’ve reached a point where I can trust my judgment in a girl in a way that I haven’t been able to in the past, and I am perfectly comfortable not in a relationship for the first time. This is the point I needed to reach before I could be in a real relationship, so this is important for me. And while I’m still searching for that girl, the search isn’t as urgent as it was before. And I know more and more of what I’m looking for. This is huge for me, because I haven’t ever been in a place like this for longer than 2 weeks. And now I’ve been here, for the most part, for 6 months.
- Theological Breakthrough – My breakthrough is that I don’t know very much yet. My idea of a perfect summer has plenty of commentary reading involved, and I think I’m going to start my commentary library this summer, by adding some on Genesis through Deuteronomy, the major prophets, 1 and 2 Corinthians, and Galatians through Colossians. I learned what I find unattractive in theology, which is rigid, narrowminded people, who refuse to entertain any other ideas. I learned that I can never take a stance of fundamentalism on Theology, just because of the way I approach knowledge: faith based on reason. Because my reason comes first, I will always defer to the intellectual arguments, or compose my own. I have faith because it’s reasonable to have faith. And I will be defining my beliefs through this personality type for a long time.
- New understanding of God – Strangely blank on this one. New experiences, which are transforming my belief of Him. But nothing new as far as explanation goes. I suppose it’s reasonable to believe that I’ll never really understand him, but I would love to understand His ways more. It’s just that everything he does baffles me, and Theological arguments don’t help. I would love a little more understanding.
- Things I did in Africa
o Long-ass plane ride
o Hotel in JoBurg
o Flight to Durban
o Entry to AE – I was overwhelmed. I had never seen anything like it, and the idea that there were monkeys right outside our windows blew my mind. I was used to it in a week, and it doesn’t seem foreign at all to me now.
o Classes
o Giant Slip’n’slide
o Ushaka waterpark, warm beach, and Sharks game
o Umzinto and soccer on the beach with Indians
o Battlefields tour
o Safaris and Bio field trips
o Hiking
o Running through the game reserve
o Zebras
o Smoking pipes
o Hotel overnight in Durban
o Sleeping under the starts
o Soccer
o Poker
o Guys movie night
o Eating out together
o D group
o Chapel team leader
o Service sites
o Speaking in chapel
o Homestays
o Speaking in a colored church
o Building a house in Haniville
There’s so many more, that I don’t recall directly because I don’t have a schedule right next to me. But I do know that I did so many fun things this semester, and I made new friends, and I found out more about myself. Even though I can’t refer to one specific experience about that, I am so grateful for this semester. It’s all I was looking for, and even more. I tried to come in without expectations, but I still had some, so I set them as low as possible. And then I blew them out of the water, because I have had so much damn fun. This place has become a third home to me, only after my home and APU, and I want to come back here. I don’t know when, but I know this isn’t my last time in South Africa. And I know I have a couple places to stay if I get the chance to come back. This has been an incredible experience, and despite the lack of a profound turning point, I think at one point in my life I’ll be able to look at this semester as a whole, and say that it was the turning point in my life. Or a turning point. My definitions of myself and others and God and everything has changed this semester, and if I didn’t have somewhere to be in a couple minutes, I would write more on that. But I am so grateful for this experience, and I am coming back. Someday.
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